Today I head out for a journey that has been 5 years, if not a lifetime, in the making.
This morning I cracked. A little more, a little deeper, I am seeing the shell I have been carrying on my chest for most of my life.
Many of you know that I have swam with issues of poverty. This has made Receiving very difficult, because in receiving I feel a double punch of guilt and shame for not feeling worthy of someone's love, and for feeling bad about myself because I wish I could have provided for myself better.
This morning I cracked. A little more, a little deeper, I am seeing the shell I have been carrying on my chest for most of my life.
Many of you know that I have swam with issues of poverty. This has made Receiving very difficult, because in receiving I feel a double punch of guilt and shame for not feeling worthy of someone's love, and for feeling bad about myself because I wish I could have provided for myself better.
So this morning I cracked, and saw through the glass, for a brief moment.
I saw and Felt the armor on my chest.
I saw how, for me, having money and being able to pay for a hotel room instead of being a guest in friends' houses, can be a way OUT of relationship.
I saw how money can help me be less in relation-ship, and more in transaction.
It's more efficient and fast, and also a LOT less scary.
I saw and Felt the armor on my chest.
I saw how, for me, having money and being able to pay for a hotel room instead of being a guest in friends' houses, can be a way OUT of relationship.
I saw how money can help me be less in relation-ship, and more in transaction.
It's more efficient and fast, and also a LOT less scary.
Today I felt how hard it the armor around actually RECEIVING a gift, a gift of food, a gift of company, a gift of being hosted. The chest shell felt hard, rigid-jaw, defending against the scariness of a tough world. Under it, I felt scared and small, not truly trusting of other people. I felt how scary it feels for me to survive in a world where I have to go-go-go, because it's not safe, because I forgot the gift that Life gives me constantly, feeding me, clothing me, breathing me. Giving me her children to eat so I may live. And instead of being blasted with tear-filling Gratitude, I am wearing a chest armor of fake "thank yous" to my friends.
This morning I let the Grief of Gratitude touch me for a few minutes, watched by the loving eyes of my brother Pieter Van Winkle who stayed with me, holding me here, helping me feel into the grief-and-praise I feel for the gift he has given me, financially and emotionally, edging me.
To allow myself to truly Receive. To set the shield down and Feel.
Actually Feel. Feel the Grief that comes with a gift, the grief of my own inadequacies stories transforming into an "I am worthy, I am loved". The Grief of receiving gifts (from people, from Her The Earth) that I can never truly re-pay, and That keeps me in relationship, in-debted, connected and interdependent.
Actually Feel. Feel the Grief that comes with a gift, the grief of my own inadequacies stories transforming into an "I am worthy, I am loved". The Grief of receiving gifts (from people, from Her The Earth) that I can never truly re-pay, and That keeps me in relationship, in-debted, connected and interdependent.
And when it is time to re-pay back, to gift back, to give some money, to do the dishes, to take out the trash, to let that come, like Marshall Rosenberg says, from a joyful place, from a place of vulnerability from a place of acknowledgment of the deep Gift I received.
Today I head South to enter a Kitchen. The fire is hot. I think I will be cooked alright.
http://www.floweringmountain.com/
http://www.floweringmountain.com/
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